Perfect Mirror

In an era when so many people feel so very separated from each other, it is uniting to employ the precious Mayan greeting “In Lak’ech.” It is translated as “I am another yourself” and reminds us that by carefully observing and interacting with each other, we can see those characteristics within ourselves that both serve us, bond us, defeat us, and separate us. So with that in mind. . .

In Lak’ech!

Each moment is alive with possibilities of pure potential. The dynamics of life are intricate and often complicated, and yet, we have each other to learn from. Like looking into a mirror to adjust our appearance, we can look into each other and adjust our person and our beliefs about our limitations.

Mirrors challenge our beliefs because they invite us to make a judgment about what we see. One type of judgment we may make is called projection. Projection is a judgment out of a need for self-defense, whereby we transfer or project our feelings about ourselves onto another. Another form of judgment is called identification. Identification is a judgment out of the need for self-development, whereby we identify our feelings about ourselves with another. Keeping in mind the different reflections we may see, any judgment is an opportunity to unravel the mysteries of ourselves and reach deeper into our pure potential.

One “mirroring” tool for self awareness and personal development is called the Johari Window*, named after its inventors, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham. One of the most useful models describing the process of human interaction, this kind of visual tool allows us to bring simplicity to the more complex aspects of personal development and relationship dynamics. The four paned “window,” illustrated below, divides personal awareness into four different modes, as represented by its four quadrants or window boxes: A-open; B-hidden; C-blind; and D-unknown. The lines dividing the four panes are like window shades, which can move as an interaction progresses.

A Johari Window Story

It is a beautiful sunny afternoon and you have just finished eating a wonderful spinach lasagne for lunch. You lean back on your couch, planning a quick cat nap when suddenly you remember that you were supposed to mail off your electric bill and you’ve missed the postal carrier. You grab your keys and dash out the door. As you head toward your car, the new neighbor approaches you and politely announces, “Hello, I’m Lillia. I just moved in two houses down from you.” You offer your hand and return the introduction. With this simple event, the Johari window dynamic is automatically set in place. You both exchange pleasantries and talk a little about the community.

Suddenly, you become aware that Lillia tends to watch your mouth as you speak. Unfortunately, she has become aware of the spinach between your two front teeth. You recall how your hearing impaired grandma eyed your lips when you spoke. You assume Lillia must also be hearing impaired also. You become very self conscious and begin speaking louder and pronouncing your words more carefully. You remember how your grandmother had such a difficult time participating in conversations and you truly want Lillia to be comfortable.

Lillia on the other hand, at first wondering if she should mention the spinach, has become aware of, and is slightly annoyed at your odd behavior. It reminds her of the condescending tone her father used when speaking to her as a child. She is wondering why you are talking down to her and slowly pronouncing each word as if she doesn’t understand english. She is having flash back memories of her father’s raised deliberate voice commanding her to, “stop–tapping–your–fingers–on–the–table–! She tries to focus on the conversation but her mind wanders. She’s thinking, “it’s bad enough that you have spinach wedged between your teeth, but the condescending attitude is more than I can deal with.” She’s concentrated on how she can back out of the conversation and get away from you as quickly and easily as possible.

You are sensing her discomfort and feel sad that she can’t just tell you that she has a hearing problem. You always wished you could have just said something to your grandma like, “I know you can’t hear well grandma, so I’m going to talk a little louder and slower.” Of course, your parents always warned you not to bring it up. “It hurts grandma’s feelings,” they would say. Now you stand before Lillia, wishing you knew how to make her more comfortable. But in stark contrast to your intentions, Lillia is feeling frustrated that you are treating her like a child. After some very uneasy moments, you end the conversation and you both go your separate ways.

As you walk toward your car you wonder what her life must be like. You pity her and wished you could have just asked her about her hearing problem. You reason to yourself that perhaps she doesn’t realize how difficult it is for others to communicate with her. Maybe she wants to feel as normal as possible and admitting her problem to others would just make it worse. “Too bad,” you think to yourself, “she seemed nice enough.” You reason that you just don’t know how to communicate with someone with her special needs.

Now, as you stand beside your car with the door key snuggly fitted into the lock, you see your reflection in the window. Smiling to yourself (you feel real good about how you handled the situation with “poor” Lillia), you notice the chunk of dark green spinach bulging between your two front teeth. Beads of perspiration break free on your forehead as you quickly slide into your car and dig the offending spinach from its prominent place.

As you start your car and pull away from the curb you wonder to yourself if Lillia had seen the dark green blob. “Of course she did,” you bark out loud, “that is why she was staring at my mouth.” You experience a wave of embarrassment, which gives way to enlightenment. Being aware of the Johari Window, you gradually realize that while you were attempting to connect with Lillia through the “open window A,” you had both primarily focused on the “hidden window B.” She obsessed over the left over lunch dangling from your front teeth, and you projected your childhood image of your disabled grandmother onto Lillia’s inability to ignore it.

You also realize that you have experienced “blind window C” activity in that you have become aware of the misunderstanding, your projection, her uneasiness and the possible residual effect it may have on your newly budding relationship. The health of the relationship hangs in the balance of your ability to honestly communicate what you now know about this first meeting. You hold the future possibility that you may pull from each other new experiences and new information out of the “unknown window D.”

You have also now expanded window A (which means you have simultaneously lessened the other windows). Not only have you become aware of the specific problems and consequences of your first meeting with Lillia, but you have also brought some “unknown” information about yourself into the “open.” By using this situation as a mirror of your inmost attitudes, you learned that you have a tendency to jump to conclusions and to act on them without first verifying their validity. In the future, you decide, you will be diligent to learn how to ask sensitive questions and to be more open to various scenarios instead of making bold assumptions.

This simple story is just one illustration of how the Johari Window Model can be utilized to help us become more actualized– more open and aware of the deep unknown aspects of our personality. It can be applied to virtually any situation as a tool to deepen our self-awareness.

We believe that as a model, the main function of the Johari Window is a tool to aid in bringing those deep “Window D” aspects of ourselves into the open “Window A” activity of our daily life. When used in conjunction with relationship mirroring, it allows us to view our unknown selves in the reflections of each other. Below we have stated some of the simple dynamic principles.

The dynamics of the Johari Window

 A change in any one window will affect awareness within all other areas.

 The more information we make available about ourselves in “Window A,” the more we can accept others as they are, and feel accepted as we are.

 When a change has taken place so that the information in one window becomes larger, simultaneously one or more of the other “windows” become smaller.

 One must use energy to hide, deny, or remain unaware of behaviors that occur within relationships.

 Mutual trust within relationships tend to increase awareness. Criticism and control tend to decrease awareness.

 Mutual trust is created by being sensitive to the covert aspects of behavior, in Windows B, C and D, and respecting the desire of others to keep them so.

 Forced awareness, either through exposure or prying, is undesirable and usually ineffective.

 The smaller the first window, the poorer the communication.

 Although it is universal knowledge that Windows C and D (unknown areas) exist for every person, it is held in check by custom, social training, and by diverse fears.

 The value system held within a relationship dynamic is recognized by the way in which the unknown areas (B,C,D) are confronted.

 Learning about relationship processes, as they are experienced, helps to increase awareness (expand Window A) for the relationship as well as for individuals within it.

Summary

As part of our commitment to our family and friends, we offer ourselves as mirrors in hopes that by looking at our lives, you might become more familiar with your own. May our experiences offer you a moment of personal reflection. And may the person you see, be precious and valuable.

We too, are on a wonderful journey of growth and self improvement. We appreciate those who have offered themselves as a mirror to us.